Waves.

 I've recently been harassed with thoughts, stipulations, nightmares of mere mortality. I wake up in the middle of the night trembling and frozen in fear.  And within those moments of helpless I relinquish my worries, my reality to Those which set it all before me. As I try to navigate  through these foreign thoughts, these  alien sensations clouded in what ifs? in fractures of doubt.. I am certain that I was born to live forever, that I was born not to end.. In these raw moments of trying to make sense of it all, I turn to that which I have placed my faith in. 

Currently yes I stand, walking  against what seem like the tallest wave  I have ever seen. And yet, I rest assured that while this wave seems insurmountable .. it will too come to pass.. 

 I will look down one day and smile 

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.. John 14:1-3

Caught up in my day dreams...

When will the day come when the actuality I see for others are reflected in the canvases painted by reality?

 What is meant to be shall be.

I am excellent.

"I am excellent."

Those were the sincere words exclaimed by a young vibrant 13 year old girl named Adjanie. As she walked in the room you could immediately feel her warmth, her radiant smile shared a story of triumph and hope. 

Our meeting was unexpected. Adjanie wasn't on our agenda for that matinee at the hospital, but after our interview with her everything seemed achievable.

She was open and honest about her experience with HIV.  She knew all the details of her stay at the inpatient ward at Grace Children's Hospital. "I was hospitalized at Grace through out two periods of time, the first period was from June,11th 2009 to September 3rd 2009- a total of 3 months and 17 days... " With the poise of a lady way beyond her years, Adjanie shared with us her story. 

Her thin frame and scarred skin brought to life her sleepless nights, and fatigued body. She had recently experienced a poor reaction to the medication- she had been vomiting for days, felt feverish, her wounds were fresh- her weakened immune system was at a delicate state..  But while yes, her eyes glistened as she spoke- all we could do was sit in awe of this little girl as she recounted her journey with what I always believed to be one of the most horrific illnesses known to man.

Never did she complain, never did she seek pity, never did she speak aimlessly. She spoke confidently, "I live in Delmas 75 with my family ,  I recently came from school- it was wonderful..."  Her words were clear, not muffled- from what I could see she had found her voice. While each day was a constant struggle,s triumph. "... I  was ill , but now I am all better"  She spoke about her hopes for other children facing the same realities she's had to, and prayed  that they had access to the quality health care she had at Grace.

My eyes welled up with tears- when we came toward the end of our session with Adjanie , and asked her how she was.. She boldly stated " I am excellent..."

How could someone, suffering from an incurable virus be excellent? how could someone who was recently hospitalized speak with such sincerity and joy? 

Voice.

I was recently minded by a pleasant soul, the mere joy one can find in sharing their voice with another. What I have come to recognize as my voice is one tattered with experiences, enveloped in curiosity, and seasoned with the specs life has bestowed upon me.

Within this past year I have had the opportunity to come back to the place I cherish the most- my home, Haiti.  Within this short year- I have learned so much more about myself, my passions, my history, and who I am to becoming.

 And I  have been recently phased with the challenge of articulating these experiences, of making sense of them- what they mean to me. How they will shape my future, what I will carry with me.And this may mirror what I have done here in the past or it may change- I am not quite how it will look yet, but it is important for me to recommit myself to this process.

So here we go.

The tale of the king & the servant...

I curled up in her arms: as she once again recounted my favorite childhood story… Her raspy voice was melodious and true, filled with hope and sincerity


Once upon a time in a far, far away land lived a king and his servant. This land was lush, full, and plentiful… The forest served as a fortress around his castle.


 The King and his servant had grown very close throughout the years.  The servant served as a guardian, teacher, and faithful friend to the King.  Through all the years side by side the servant always reminded the King of one truth:  all that happens in this life is  for our benefit, for our good.


One day the king decided to go out on an adventure and of course the servant followed. 
As they traveled through the forest they unfortunately encountered a huge monstrous creature, resembling Beowulf‘s antagonist, Grendel. The servant in all his might, did everything he could to protect the king, and defeat the evil creature. And he did, he defeated the creature.


The King and his servant’s lives were spared, thanks to his fearless servant, but regrettably the king lost a finger in battle. Surprisingly the king was furious at his servant for not having saved his finger and threw the servant in jail.But although thrown into jail the servant repeated this one truth: all that happens in this life is for our benefit, for our good.

The king’s adventurous spirit didn’t take long to rise again. A little after a month, the king was out and about alone, in search of a new thrill out in the forest.  As he trenched through the woods he encountered a group of savages that immediately took him hostage. As the savages rejoiced as they prepared the fire for this sacrificial offering, the king. The king prayed as he lay in preparation for death.


As the fire crackled and churned away, the savages examined their sacrificial offering one last time they noticed the king’s missing finger. “ He is unfit!” they exclaimed and abandoned his body in the woods. The king was tarnished and an unfit offering that evening. The words of the kings servant resounded in his mind: all that happens in this life is for our benefit, for our good.  His life was spared because of his missing finger! 


He hurried home and immediately freed his servant from jail as he begged for his forgiveness.  The king was left with one troubling question; why did he throw his humble servant in jail? His servant had done no wrong, simply protected his king and was thrown in jail like a criminal?


The king shared his confusion with the servant. But again the servant humbly replied this one truth: all that happens in this life is for our benefit, for our good.  


The servant went on to explain " if I wasn’t in jail the evening you went out into the woods I would have been with you. And would have definitely  been killed, because I have all my limbs...
... zzzzzz

le palmier, l'arbre de la victoire...

 Victory, honor, truth, value , vitality , warmth , fertility ,expansion ,protection, aspiration, attainment, unification…  all characteristic of an entity in nature.. All qualities of what our forefathers found to exemplify a nation. A nation filled with revolutionaries.

Upon gazing at a palm tree, I seldom think of Hurricane Flora, who struck the south west peninsula of Haiti in 1963, one of the deadliest hurricanes in our history wiping out thousands of lives and leaving over a hundred thousand homeless.

At 7 years of age, my father’s life was changed forever.

 After a restless night filled with strong winds, rain and prayer,  the 7am radio news broadcaster exclaimed that school was postponed  for yet another week. This little boy’s contentment could be readily seen across this toothless smile.”What could possibly be more wonderful?” He thought. “..one more week filled with soccer till dawn,  trios-sept with his sisters, quality time with his nomadic father.” His imagination ran wild.

The solemn look on his papa’s face was slightly disturbing and rather mysterious. Why didn’t his father share his excitement?  Has his father not heard the news?
He clenched his papa hands as they both slipped through the tall cedar door and peeked outside.  He followed his father’s footsteps up the rocky hill that led up to the overlook of their small village, Casanet, Beaumont, and finally he understood.

Everything was annihilated. Their young peasant family had lost almost everything. As his tiny palms clung on to his somber Papa’s finger tips, they surveyed the once rich, green and fertile mountain tops. Entire towns were buried by landslides, and their once so fertile lands filled with ample vegetation were entirely destroyed by the inland flooding. As they screened the land there was only one standing monument, which was rather perplexing to a 7 year old boy. So he asked “Papa why is that palm still standing?...”

Our national tree, le palmier, stood taller and rose above. The evergreen looked up toward heaven and performed exquisitely in this deadly storm. A few short hours ago, the strong winds attempted to tear it down, havoc wreaked as the 60 foot edifice swayed from side to side, witnessing hundreds of homes crumble to their feet. And that day, it served as a symbol of hope to a tiny, seven year old boy. The palm, a symbol of protection, peace, and opportunity, has served as the tree of life to this family as it had to millions for thousand of years. 

In the midst of what appeared to be the most horrific day of the year, stood a symbol of victory, a symbol of resilience. My father stared up at his father and couldn’t help but wear a huge grin, as if they shared a secret no one else would ever understand.

This wasn’t the end; it was only the beginning of a new season. A season filled  with joy, happiness, love, and hope.

Peace

tranquility,

simplicity,

serenity,

 a state of harmony,

 the absences of war, 

a state of balance & understanding in yourself & between others,

freedom, bliss...

To know with absolute certainty that where ever you are at this very moment is exactly where you need to be, where you were created to be, 

To know within your very core that every decision you have ever made, every occurrence,  every breath, every hesitation was to bring you here. 

Was to bring you to a place of inexplicable joy, unwavering contentment.

To a place where you are celebrated, 

a place where you  wholly believe that if you allow 

your spirit, 

your aura, 

your purity, 

your core

 to be made manifest, to flow freely 

with out hindrance, with out hesitation, without judgement,

Brings you to a place of power, a place of fulfillment